Author of my own story, that is.
I look forward and see decisions to make and paths to take or not take. It is so overwhelming sometimes. Then I look back at my life and I see the decisions made and paths taken and realize God is in control of the story, not me. Now that I am older I look at my life and discover that my whole life is about identity. I am at war with God about who I am.
I am not trying to wax philosophic. God says I am His and I believe it but the part about being a priest or saint…well let just say that is a stretch. I get it intellectually but making those assertions is fiction at best for me and my life. I struggle with doing what I know is right or righteous. Just writing that word makes me cringe. Galatians says to walk in the spirit. If I am being honest I don’t ride in the same bus as the Spirit. I know who I am in Christ but my own selfish desire and self-deceit keep me loving my shiny favorite sins.
The worst part is the damage it does to those around me. The best selling lie satan ever sold is “it only effects you”. This is never true. Even if it seems isolated to you alone it isn’t. The sin affects…yep, your identity, who you are and the things you want. This identity shifting affects everyone you contact.
Then here comes the real author. Before the foundation of the earth, God wrote my story (and yours). I understand this and can rest in it but I also am afraid of (or even hostile to) it. After all, I want what I want and maybe I don’t want to go do missions work but rather sleep or watch TV. My identity is so jacked up that I forget the big picture and forget who is the one really in charge.
I am praying for heart change. My heart is bent on my way and my sin is marring my identity. I need an identity crisis. God, please do a work in me.