Recently I had an outburst in the car and yelled at my wife. I was completely and utterly wrong and it damaged out relationship. At the time I remember thinking that I was so, so, so right and that I was the one being wronged. I felt I was defending myself and this made it right. Now looking back at the situation and my response I find myself asking why? Why was I yelling and arguing? I found the answer in James 4. In James it says “2 You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. 3 You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.” When I read this I realized that it is my desire for something and my not getting it that is the reason I was yelling and arguing.
Breaking this down I am faced with my sin. I am selfish and when I don’t get my way even in the littlest way I fight and quarrel. When my kids interupt my desires, I react wrongly. When my wife asks me to do something, even when I am not doing anything. I react badly because I want to be doing nothing. The heart is deceptive even to itself. I would like to think of myself as not a selfish person, but that is just not true. Christ came to change me and seeing my sin is the first step. Christ, The Word, is the answer. James 4 continues with the solution, James tell us that God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. He says to submit yourself to God. If I am submitting myself to God and am humble then my desires are not mine but are subjugated to the desire of God and that of service to others to other may see Christ in me. Oh my what a tall order to fill. I know myself and this is not going to be easy. Again the Word has the answer. James says “Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.” If I am drawing nearer to God and am humbly submitting to Him then my desires will align with His.
I am writing this blog thinking that I get it but I can’t help thinking that getting it is a far cry from really doing it. I feel like a hypocrite and a liar. I want to be God’s man but I struggle down deep with really not wanting to give up the desires that I want. What do I do with this? I mean all of this. Grace, Grace, Grace!